Posted by: fizzhogg | March 13, 2012

Things That Suck

Yes, this will be a negative post, but I hope to end it positively. But first… the weigh-in.

This week we tipped the scales at…



I so wanted to drop below that 10. After last week’s great weight descent, and the number of miles I rode this week – nearly 120 – I was hoping for a 209 or better.


What happened? Well apparently, I discovered a MAJOR KEY in the weight-loss phenomena… ready?

Eating can influence your weight. 


I have discovered that if you eat less and eat better, you lose more weight than if you eat more and eat worse.

I’m thinking of starting my own infomercial to make gobs of money off of this amazing discovery. But first, back to the matter at hand, namely this clydesdale on a carbon fiber goat.

So I rode a lot this week, and ate… not as good as I could have. I still have yet to have even one potato chip (crisp) this year, and I’ve had no more than 2 orders of french fries (another heroin-like weakness of mine) in 2012, and I have absolutely improved my worst habit – eating late at night.

But this week, I did have a couple of meals after 8pm… and one of them I totally threw portion control out the window. Just one night. And boom…

Only a half pound dropped in a 120-mile week.

I suck.

Which leads me to the title of this post… Things That Suck. Subtitle: Things That Suck in Cycling. Sub-subtitle: Things That Suck in MY Personal Cycling World.

In no particular order:

— When you’re riding an out-and-back route, or even a loop, and you suffer through a headwind on the way out, knowing how awesome it will be to ride that tailwind home… only to have the wind shift on you, and you get one of those “Headwind out and headwind back” rides.

— Cyclists who toss their empty gel packs and energy bar wrappers onto the road. YOU SUCK. Stick them in your jersey pocket, you lame, entitled, pompous asshats.

— When you’re climbing and you see the last section before the summit, so you crank the watts and hammer it up to the top… only to find that it’s a false summit and you have another 200 meters to go.

— Motorcyclists who like to play that game of “Let’s see how close we can ride to the bicycle rider.” YOU SUCK. These morons usually perform this idiotic and dangerous game when the bike rider is climbing. Nothing throws you out of your climbing rhythm more than a motorcycle screaming by within six inches of you.

— When you are descending at over 40mph, fully tucked, your face in a Jens Voigt grimace, your mouth just barely opened wide enough… for a bug to fly directly in and slam against the back of your throat. You want to know what it feels like to hold your heart in your hand? Try remaining calm and under control going down an 11% grade at over 40mph when a bug Kamikazes itself into your mouth.

— People who have ridden in group rides more than three times and yet STILL don’t understand the concepts of holding your line, passing on the left, pointing out debris, and using hand signals as well as your own freaking voice to call out pending stops, cars, etc. You suck.

— Being out on a ride where you’ve succeeded in pushing yourself harder and riding farther than you originally planned, only to discover you’ve run out of food and/or water and you’re still over 20 miles from home.

— Riders who blow their snot on other riders. More specifically, the tall dude on the white Specialized who snotted on me yesterday. Let me paint the picture for you, Dear Reader…

I was out enjoying my ride, about 28 miles in, when I hit a short but steep climb. As I spun my way up, I was dropped by a tall dude on a white Specialized Tarmac. Now, normally, I don’t complain about cyclists who don’t wave at other cyclists or any such rot. But generally, when you are passing and thus, dropping a rider on a climb, you at least acknowledge them. If not a “Good morning” or simple “On your left” then you give a smile or even a nod.

This dude did none of those. Which, as stated before, is generally okay with me. I wave or acknowledge every cyclist I see. Because I love our community. Sometimes I don’t get anything back, and it’s okay. There’s a myriad of reasons why someone may not wave at you or whatever. But I digress.

So tall dude passes me on the climb without so much as a glance in my direction. I get to the summit and begin the descent. And I fly down that hill, closing to within about 30 meters of him once we hit the base on the hill. I cruise along behind him, staying between 10 and 20 meters back. He slows and makes the same turn I’m going to make, and thus, I close a bit more on him.

Next we have a relatively straight and flat section of road that rolls along for about 3 miles or so. I ride behind the dude, making sure to never get within about 7 or 8 meters of him – because I don’t want him thinking I’m sucking his wheel, nor do I want to suck his wheel – I will never do that to a stranger out on the road. Just not proper etiquette, in my humble opinion.

Tall dude is rolling along about 20/21mph, so I have no desire/need to pass him. I assume he knows I’m there because I think he saw me when we made the turn, and at one point I had to coast to keep from closing on him, and The Goat has one of those clickety-clack rear hubs when you’re not pedaling, and I’m sure he heard me because I saw his head turn just slightly.

Anyway, about 2 miles into the 3-mile stretch, as I’m about 7 meters off his wheel, this tall dude on the white Specialized lays finger to nose, turns his head and blows a wad of snot that rides the wind straight back onto me.

I yell out some sort of expletive and he barely turns his head again, then rolls on away. Possibly the single most disgusting incident I’ve ever encountered on a bike, other than vomiting during the 100 Miles Of Nowhere.

To the tall dude on the white Specialized (and any other cyclist who participates in this activity): YOU SUCK.

Okay, enough negativity. I’m sure you could all add dozens of things that suck in the comments section, but let’s end on a positive note. Things that DON’T suck about cycling. Feel free to drop a comment about what you think does not suck about cycling.

I will start us off…

It does not suck when you roll out for a ride and discover comfortable temperatures and zero wind, and that’s what you get for your entire ride.

Who’s next?

Eat better.

Ride your bike.

Don’t suck.


Fair winds and following seas, Willy



  1. It does not suck when the 4-mile category-3 climb that regularly flattened you in 2010 seems…almost kinda flat in 2012.

  2. Headwind out and headwind back double sucks. If I had a dollar for every time…

  3. The time change sucks but then again it gave us some evening daylight back for late afternoon rides. I did 30 miles last night after work.

  4. good stuff….daylight for an extra hour allowing more ride time does not suck…winter finally showing up in “sunny” california for a week straight…sucks a bit

  5. If Snot Dude pulled that stunt with me, I would have tracked him down regardless of the effort required and he would have paid for his crime, or I would have died in the attempt. Not cool, man. Not cool.

    Great write up and it’s made me think of my own curmudgeonly list, which includes many of your items!

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